Pfizer Executive Regretfully Informs Nation: Vaccines only offer 15 minutes of Protection
For the Greater Good
The White House – At a time when a deadly virus was ravaging the earth, killing ~0.01% of the people who contracted it, brave vaccine manufacturers boldly produced new mRNA vaccines at warp speed to save humanity. These safe and effective inoculations, while not actually capable of immunizing the recipient or preventing infection or transmission, were the only way to defeat the virus. Pfizer CEO and avid Moloch worshipper Albert Bourla explained in a somber exclusive announcement from the White House the current developments of their vaccine to the Nation:
“Well, at first we were hoping we would only need to inoculate the at risk populations. But then our research showed that the people with little risk were still not inoculated. So we figured, why not inoculate them too. Then we looked at children with virtually zero risk of mortality, and unfortunately our data showed that children as young as 3 should also be inoculated. Next, our experts confirmed that unborn children must be inoculated to slow the spread as soon as they are born.”
The magnanimous executive paused briefly, gulping and adjusting his tie. Albert was clearly dreading delivering the next bit of news.
“We were initially hopeful our vaccines would provide effective protection from the virus with only 1 shot. Then regrettably, we discovered protection was not achieved until 2 injections.”
Albert began to look off into the distance with a defeated sigh, before gently shaking his head and continuing:
“We were then heartbroken to find our vaccine system was not effective unless 3 shots were given. This was due to virus variants that just coincidentally happened to appear right as our vaccination roll out was gaining steam. Our research then revealed that our product was not effective at all unless every single human on the planet received 3 shots of our inoculation.”
Mr. Bourla then began to weep softly, his face in his hands, tears dripping down his cheeks. He removed a silk handkerchief from his suit, gently wiped his eyes and composed himself before delivering more unfortunate news:
“I must now confirm, with deep regret, that our data has definitively concluded our inoculation is not effective unless the entire human population is injected once every 15 minutes, for the rest of their lives. Although we must accept that no inoculation is 100% effective, and many people will still get infected with and die from the virus, our inoculation schedule will reduce your risk by some yet to be determined amount. It is imperative that every man, woman, child and fetus receive this inoculation every 15 minutes, so that we can get back to normal. We have reluctantly accepted a multi-trillion dollar deal with the government to produce these safe and effective inoculations and released ourselves of all liability for any side effects of our inoculation. In order to provide these safe and effective inoculations we unfortunately had to ask for the governments help in tracking down and policing all hesitancy to our product. This way we can get back to normal! It will be best for everyone if we all just accept that we need to completely restructure our society around our product so that we can get back to normal! We are so sorry, but this is just the way it has to be! Of course, people will still need to be tested, contact traced, socially distanced, masked, gloved and face shielded, and signed up to our DNA and biometric collection programs, but this way things can get back to normal! We’re so very sorry, but it’s for the greater good! You aren’t selfish are you? Are you?”
Albert then began frantically sobbing and had to be helped off the podium. President Joe Biden tried to comfort him, but Albert swatted him away and continued walking in sadness to his solid gold helicopter that was waiting outside. As the ornate chopper lifted off and then faded into the distance, the American people, and indeed, all of humanity, began to shout with joy, eagerly awaiting the next decree from their benevolent unquestionable overlords.