Scientists Now Believe Death of Great Ape Triggered Collapse of Western Civilization
Cincinnati, Ohio – Scientists now believe they have pinpointed the exact day Western Civilization began it’s freefall into utter degeneracy and suicidal nihilism: May 28th, 2016. “After an exhaustive multi-year study, we now believe with near certainty that the death of a 17 year old western lowland gorilla started a series of events that led to the collapse of Western Civilization.” Professor Dean Erickson told Obelisk reporters.
“When people heard that a magnificent great ape was shot to death to save the child of an incredibly irresponsible parent, something inside them just broke. The full effect of the damages is only now being realized today.” Professor Erickson said, while staring fondly at a drawing of the slain gorilla. “For many, the death of Harambe was the final straw in a long chain of disappointments and unrealized ambitions.”
At first, the earth’s citizens turned to humor to grieve the fallen ape, adopting the legendary #dicksoutforharambe hashtag. This ceremonial salute of the venerable gorilla involved standing proud and exposing your penis at full mast in honor of Harambe.
“What many people didn’t understand at the time, was it would be the last time dicks were ever brought out for anything. The collective dick of western civilization would be exposed for the last time.”
“Let it all burn”
But as the hashtags began to fade away, a cold realization set upon the lonely citizens of the post-Harambe world. They had lost something they could never recover. Just as that majestic, innocent ape would never enjoy another scamper through the jungle, so too would humanity never regain their willpower.
Surveys conducted by the study team had found a similar pattern across the data set, exemplified by such responses:
“At first when the government closed my business but let the Target across the street stay open, I was mad. But then I remembered that sweet, beautiful gorilla Harambe was dead and I thought to myself ‘maybe I deserve this'”
“When my oldest son committed suicide after being in isolation due to the lockdowns, I went into a rage! But then I thought, well, everyone dies. Just like that amazing gorilla Harambe had to die. I will probably die soon too.”
“Everyone says I will die if I don’t take the vaccine, but what they don’t realize is that ever since Harambe was shot I have wanted to die so that I can be with Harambe.”
“Part of me was confused when I was told that my 5 year old child was forced to watch a male stripper twerk as part of his education, but knowing that Harambe is dead, what does it even matter? Let it all burn.”
Researchers had observed a clear trend of gorilla inspired nihilism and despondence in the data.
“People just seemed to have given up at a certain point. The thought of living in a world without Harambe had caused an overwhelming majority of responders to have existential crises. ‘What is the point anymore?’ is what so many are asking.” Erickson said, with a somber sigh, perhaps struggling with the question himself. “Though humanity wanted Harambe to free, we now wish to be ruled over like caged animals. Perhaps it is divine justice.”